today, while i was telling my little brother about some of the cruel things aunt H said and did while i lived with her in china, i had a realization: abuse creates monsters.

i contemplated my aunt’s life.

i thought about other Cruel Women I Have Known, how they must either make someone else feel their pain or they will turn it against themselves.

i wondered, who created these monsters?

it is not fair that the lives of those who have caused their pain go on while those made monstrous must live with what happened forever.

memory is material: it coalesces in the body.

they can never get rid of it. (and by they i also mean i)

of course it is not fair that they should carry their pain alone, but some will. they will hide their monstrousness because unleashing it would make them ugly and repulsive. because their suffering is trivial.

but shouldn’t those who have caused their pain be forced to look at the monsters they have created?

(how unbearable, the image of the older daughter in Dogtooth, blood dripping down her face)

in The Vertical Interrogation of Strangers, Bhanu Kapil wrote: WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE SUFFERING OF YOUR MOTHER?

that she would ask such a question makes her a genius—she sees what no one else sees, what has been made invisible.

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